Walkin' on sunshine.

I wonder if it's possible at all to be completely content and happy.
I did think it is.
I thought I'm just kinda loser that I'm not perfect.
That does not mean anything like crying over it, but when I see romantic movies with all those silly happy endings (esp recently seen like tons of them), I just gotta ask myself WHY ME, WHY THEM?
I've simply created an image of an ideal relationship/marriage/whatever, and I'm not able to get over it.
I basically have to admit that never ever I'm gonna find someone like from the movies, no matter how much I wish so.

But still, I wish to be invited for a dinner by someone so charming and decent as Hannibal. I don't care if he was over 40.
I wish to have a husband so devoted, unselfish, romantic and creative as Guido. To be sometimes awakened by 'buongiorno principessa!'.
I wish once to spend night with Tyler.
And most of all, I'd like to meet Nino.
I'd like to find the love of my life.. to do all those crazy things with.
To have a date without saying a word. Kiss on the cheek, kiss on the forehead, kiss on the neck. Slowly, quietly.
To sit on a river bank, legs in the water, seriously discussing those silly things we did when we were five.
To walk hand in hand through the city, eating ice-cream and commenting on people passing by.
To sit in the square on the ground, chatting and enjoying weird looks of others.
To have a date at midnight.
To get a flower.
To bring somebody breakfast to bed.
To travel by tram 9 from the first stop to the last and back.
To have a date at sunrise.
To write messages to each other backwards.
To have a picture with tongues out together.
To say yes and next day travel to a tiny little island in Mediterranean in November.
To buy T-shirts of the same color.
To go swimming when it's cold and raining.
To feel like being special for somebody.

Crucifixion.

To pretend love

is worse

than

to hate.

Encouraged...

By the temperature.
23°C ~ 73.4°F, sunny all day long. At least it seems so in the window.

By my daily meal.
Two bright strawberries eaten in the afternoon.

By the unexpected excitement.
Cried twice since the yesterday's evening - once due to pain, another time due to a sincere laugh. Still prefer the latter one.

By having your picture.
Printed out, torn to pieces and put together again, or is it just a dream?

By the brand new idea!
To buy a camera and start taking photos. Of strawberries, strangers, small stuff which swims in the soup, someone's sacrifices and space.

By the tiny green light.
Next to you.

And by the fact that there's a high possibility of waking up tomorrow alive.

Answers.

Yes I've really seen the little prince, but I hardly believe someone would believe.

I was born right here to realize how thankful I should be for it. Because otherwise, I could have been born like a fish.

I got to wake up knowing what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life, 'cause without effort, there're no results.

If I pray enough, it's possible to speak any language I wish.

I saved a rainworm's life tonight and I've already stopped killing flies. One more question - do they care?

No, 'cause of we all saw the same color, we would understand each other.

The probability of finding a soulmate among 6 billion people? Negligible. Have I found one? Surely.

No clue what love is about.

All I know that 23 is not THE answer.

I would spend the last month with ya.

Yes, it's better to be there instead of sleepin'. You're the most world can give me.

People lie, 'cause it hurts less. Or more, sometimes.

It's possible to fall in love with whoever God gives you. They just turn up.

Driving a car is one of the best things I've recently come across.


Even after a shower, I still smell of ya. Could I stand it any longer?

Dedicated. Double deep.

He knew he wanted it. I knew he wanted it and he knew that I knew. Pretend to be normal.

We took our comfortable seats next to each other. Two hot chocolates, dark ones, please.

A little bit shy at first sight - even though we've known each other pretty well. But it's true we haven't met for a while and.. you know, there aren't always many things you can talk about.

him>Solution? Twice vodka, please.

him>Please, once more the same!

More giggling, more laughing, longer looks to each other's eyes. And closer.

My hand put still on your knee. And higher.

me>You wanna hear it? When I'm drunk I do things I would have never dared to do.

him>Oh, one more vodka for the lady.

me>Let's, ohh, let's go somewhere else, where we could be alone.

him delightedly smiling>Why haven't you told me before? You gotta go in 20 minutes. What about next time..

me>Oh, really?

him: not sure if he decided right, after all, these kinds of offers cannot be rejected.

me: hand higher.

him, mouth a bit opened like he doesn't have any strength left to close it>G-g-g-o with me to the toilets, here, in the cafe.

me, with my lips almost touching his, articulating slowly>You sure? That requires another shot and.. lots of courage.

The last vodka.

He apparently looked forward to something, at least some parts of his body.

When we got up and wanted to leave the table, I got to pass pretty close by him. Delighted more and more.

me>Oh, sorry.

He tried to catch my hips. I slipped away, offered him my hand instead and we walked downstairs. Towards the toilets, towards the exit.

Someone's desires will never be satisfied.

Here we go. Holdin' back tears.

What? Get up, you gotta go!

I didn't get breakfast, 'cause I needed to catch the train. Oh.

Hungry, tired (wait, you mean that wine?), fed up with the early time, looking for a park bench to eat at, seeing all those stupid places we were together, beautiful morning I guess. It was clear that people passing by are going the same way to school. My future classmates, are you kiddin' me? Isn't it silly to be accompanied by your parents? Should have taken my mom with me. Hiding the wide ironical smile on my face.

Ahhh, do we know each other?

/oh God, why me, why me../

Mmmmm, no?

/no no no no../

I remeber ya. You were the US delegate two years ago at the Prague MUN.

/no no no no../

Oh, you really do? I have no clue who you are, sorry.

/and I don't care, you know../

Blah, blah, blah..

Instead of nice morning spent by reading while waiting, we sat next to each other for five hours.

/if you won't go and stand in a line RIGHT NOW, I'll kill you/

We sat there until all people went away.

/and talking crap/

Why, HOW should I be politely smiling, nodding and pretending any interest?

/Hey, you said you would be here by 11.00! Oh boy, I'm waiting until two hundred people get out of here/

And when he started telling jokes about sex and a girl of his dreams, who would clean his room at the dorm regularly..

I went with him to the station, 'cause he didn't know the shorter way.

See ya in October!

/no no no../

breaking news

S. has a new love! x

All I do, I do for you.

When I was younger, I wanted to study Korean. Beautifully simple exotic language. My mom told me it's foolish, because it's so difficult to find a well-paid job afterwards.

When one of my friends told me about CICD, it seemed to be something for me at those times - no long boring studies, working with kids, practice, no requirements of English. My mom told me it's silly, and if I really wanna study abroad, I should apply for a university.

Ok, mom. At first, I thought there's no way to do that, but parents are always right, you know. So eventually, I did the exams I thought I would have never passed.

Mom? Well, darling, are you really sure about that choice? What about studying medicine.. you can be pretty good at it and you can do to help kids in Africa (oh my, you really think that's THE dream?). I think you'll fancy it.

All right, mom. I'll do that. And now?

Hey, and what college is XY gonna join?
She's up to studying Arabic and Aramaic.
Wow! Such exotic languages! And in ten years, she's gonna be successful, famous and rich and what about you? Working night shifts at the hospital.

Oh, mom. You know, what I wanted to be when I was five? Performer in a circus.

Feelin' like that again.

Drunk me.

Have you ever noticed that you have certain songs you have connected with certain people, situations or time? That you listened to them because of Him/ Her and everytime you've heard it since then, you clearly see it?

The first slowrock, even before dancing lessons. Sweet & pink thirteen years of age. R.E.M - Nightswimming. Oh, can't be closer. Dark winter afternoons in the attic, romantically lightened by candlelight and his eyes. My friend started to go out with him a few months later, and I comforted her former boyfriend. So much that he desperately fell in love with me.

The first kiss: Bon Jovi - Thank you for lovin' me. I never know I had a dream, until the dream was you, and when I looked into your eyes, the sky was different blue. He didn't understand English, but those two blue eyes were beautiful.

Not to forget! The Cure - Friday I'm in love. My seven-year lasting love. Then, I realized we had nothing in common, so from that time on, I could finally talk to him when I saw him. A few months ago, I sat at the other side of the room - and we were looking at each other like we did when I was ten and him twelve.

Red Hot Chilli Peppers. I noticed he liked them and when we were in a pub, I played them on jukebox and he thought it's great that we had the same taste of music. Two evenings later, he sat next to me, gave me one headphone and as we passed the player to each other, he hold my hand. Red Hots still playing, when were kissing.

Adios Nonino - do you like classics? Oh, me too. You are so... special girl! Still remember sitting at school, listening to it again again and again. I wanted to sleep after sleepless nights.
Nikdy nic nebylo, whoever wrote that crap. Lyrics written for us, for the night after, when you played that and looked at me like nothing happened.

Blues. Blues. Blues. You gotta be so intelligent when you listen to this kind of music.

Fire Water Burn - Bloodhound Gang. Typical of you. Not smart at all. And Kate Ryan playing in the kitchen while we were behind the closed door, you saying she's so sexy.

Prodigy. The old trick: I've seen it on your profile you like them.
What kind of music do you listen to? Hmmm, dunno. For example, recently Prodigy. Oh, really? Wow! Those songs are, mmmm, exactly you, nothing for girlies.

And did you give me the red rose only because I also listened to System of a Down?

Does anybody know?

This email has been automatically generated. Please do not reply to this address.


Oh, those light blue life-lasting questions.
If you know the answers, let me know and I'll bring you breakfast. Bacon included.

Faxing manually is out of date!
Download your FREE trial today!

Have you ever seen le petite prince?
Why was I born right here?
Is it possible to be born like a fish?
Why should I wake up tomorrow knowing what I am gonna do for the rest of my life?
How does it happen that somebody starts speaking language of angels?
When we kill flies, do they feel any pain?
Do you see the same red color as I see?
What's the probability of finding my soulmate among 6 billion people?
Is love based on any probability?
Is the answer to a meaning of the world really 23?
If you knew you are dying, would you spend the last month of your precious life with your parents?
Is it better to sleep 6 hrs/day to get the most out of the world?
Why do people lie?
Is it possible to fall in love with somebody only because of his writings?
Is it difficult to learn how to drive a car?

Regardez-moi cette belle brune! Mais qui est-ce?

why do I.. after all those.. why do I still.. oh my.

Annabela, stejně jako autor, pocházela ze smíšeného manželství, v jejím případě napůl anglického, napůl holandského. Dnes se mi její rysy vybavují daleko mlhavěji než před pár lety, dokud jsem nepoznal Lolitu. Existují dva druhy vizuální paměti: jeden, když si člověk s očima dokořán umně vyvolá obraz v laboratoři svého mozku (a tehdy vidím Annabelu v takových obecných pojmech jako "medová pleť", "útlé paže", "hnědé, krátce zastřižené vlasy", "dlouhé řasy", "velká smavá ústa"); a ten druhý, když si okamžitě, s očima zavřenýma, vybavíme na vnitřní straně víček: objektivní, absolutně optickou reprodukci milované tváře, malý přelud v přirozených barvách (a přesně tak vidím Lolitu).

Dovolte mi proto, abych se při popisu Annabely korektně omezil na pár slov: byla to roztomilá holčička, o málo měsíců mladší než já. Její rodiče patřili mezi staré přátele mé tety a byli stejně upjatí jako ona. Najali si vilu nedaleko hotelu Miriana. Plešatý, opálený pan Leigh a otylá, napudrovaná paní Leighová (rozená Vanessa van Ness). Jak mi byli odporní! Zpočátku jsme si s Annabelou povídali o nejobyčejnějších věcech. Nabírala plné hrsti jemného písku a z výšky ho nechávala přetékat mezi prsty. Naše mozky byly naladěny tak, jak to bývalo běžné u malých inteligentních Evropanů za našich časů a v našich kruzích, a já proto pochybuji, že by náš zájem o nesmírnost neobydlených světů, tenis, nekonečno, solipsismus a tak dál odrážel naši vrozenou osvícenost. Hebkost a křehkost zvířecích mláďátek nám působila stejně intenzivní bolest. Toužila stát se milosrdnou sestrou v některé zaostalé asijské zemi, zatímco já chtěl být slavným špiónem.

Zčistajasna jsme se do sebe šíleně, neohrabaně, bezostyšně, mučivě zamilovali - měl bych dodat beznadějně, neboť ta pomatenost naší vzájemné posedlosti se dala zmírnit jedině tím, že budeme doslova vysávat každičkou částečku duše i těla toho druhého. Jenomže tady ležel kámen úrazu - nebyli jsme s to se spájet ani tak, jak by si k tomu našli příležitost otrhánkové z nejchudších čtvrtí. Po jednom zběsilém večerním pokusu u nich na zahradě (více o tom později) se jediné nám vyměřené soukromí nalézalo z doslechu, avšak nikoli z dohledu lidmi poseté části pláže. Tam, v jemném písku, pár kroků od našich dospělých, jsme celá rána lehávali v toporném záchvatu milostné touhy a využívali každého požehnaného obratu v časoprostoru k vzájemným dotekům: její ruka, napolo skrytá v písku, se ke mně pokaždé pomalu plížila, její štíhlé opálené prsty se náměsíčně kradly blíž a blíž; poté se na dlouhou obezřetnou pouť vydávalo její opalizující koleno. Někdy nám nákodný val z písku, který si uplácaly menší děti, posloužil jako dostatečný úkryt, abychom se letmo otírali o slané rty. Tyto nenápadné doteky vyvolávaly v našich zdravých a nezkušených mladých tělech takové vzrušení, že ani chladivá modrá voda, pod jejíž hladinou jsme se po sobě nepřestávali sápat, nám nebyla s to přinést úlevu.

Mezi jinými cennostmi, jež jsem poztrácel za svého putování v dospělosti, se ocitl snímek pořízený mou tetou, na němž byla Annabela, její rodiče a postarší usedlý pán napadající na jednu nohu, jistý doktor Cooper, který se toho léta dvořil mé tetě. Všichni tvořili hlouček u stolu v pouliční kavárničce, Annabela nevyšla dobře, skláněla se totiž nad svým chocolat glacé a její hubená ramena a pěšinka ve vlasech bylo asi tak vše, co se dalo rozeznat (pokud mě paměť neklame) ve sluneční šmouze, v niž její chybějící roztomilost přecházela; zato já, který jsem seděl poněkud stranou, jsem vyšel na fotografii s jakousi dramatickou sošností - zadumaný chlapec s hustým obočím, v tmavé sportovní košili a dobře padnoucích bílých kalhotách, nohu přes nohu a odvrácený pohled. Fotografie byla pořízena poslední den našeho osudového léta a pouze chvíli před naším druhým a posledním pokusem přechytračit osud. Pod tou nejprůzračnější záminkou (byla to skutečně naše poslední příležitost a na ničem jiném nezáleželo) jsme se vytratili z kavárny na pláž, našli jsme si opuštěný písečný převis a tak, ve fialovém stínu červených balvanů tvořících jakousi jeskyni, jsme prožili krátké setkání plné lačného laskání, jehož jediným svědkem byly něčí zapomenuté sluneční brýle. Klečel jsem a chystal se zmocnit se svého miláčka, když v tom vystoupili s moře dva vousatí plavci, mořský stařec a jeho bratr, a začali nás oplzle povzbuzovat. Čtyři měsíce nato podlehla Annabela tyfu na ostrově Korfu.

feelin' pink.. and can't take my eyes off you

inspiration, breath, touch, respiration, breath, breathe in, breathe out, breathe deep, hold your breath, it took my breath away, don't ever stop breathing.





he asked me for another meeting. before the hotel one, we'd seen each other once, if i don't count those ones almost two years ago. i insisted to meet up somewhere in the city for an hour or so. to make sure that he's the same guy he used to be? to find out if he's still so .., after two or three shots of vodka or pure tequilla /it's not for men, to drink anything else, you remember?/, two of us sitting at the opposite sides of the table, him telling me to sit nearer as he didn't hear what i was saying because the music was too loud /apparently, he didn't care what i was saying all the time/. i drank half a liter of wine and tried to talk properly and by that time, he had the same problems with his own tongue.

i just wanna know how it feels, tell me. what feeling does it have
to be, when it makes you look that way?

i won't kiss ya here, in front of all those people, unless you object.

of course not. it was enough to sit nearer and nearer as the evening passed, to whisper and laugh from time to time, while the tip of my tongue touched accidentally your ear for a second.


we took a taxi to the station, as he didn't want me to go by tram. there, we stood still, looking at each other bashfully. he said goodbye, i said goodbye. i turned away and wanted to leave. wait! he grabbed my hand and pushed me against the nearest wall carelessly. kiss. and i had to bend my knees a bit to make our lips be in the same high.

oh, how he loves my breasts..

we went upstairs, him in front of me, me obediently behind. when we walked towards the hotel, he told me that if i didn't mind, he wouldn't hold my hand, even we could call it a date.. he said it was just too girlish for him to do that. so i just followed him, because i didn't know the way and he was there for many times with other ladies, so he felt very well accustomed with those 'understanding' looks of other people we met at the hall and i could just drop my eyes to not to blush.
all the time along the way, i was afraid if it was true or not. we talked about doing this so many times but nobody ever dared to make it true. so now, i was surprised. pleasantly surprised. last day evening's dreams... and i did it because of you, you only.
he pushed me slowly through the door, just touched my back with his tingertips and i..

i wanna play with you.. till the morning..

how it feels, tell me..

i haven't had a girl for weeks, would you help me with that please?

last day evening's dreams, last day evening's dreams, last day last day last last last last last.

i'm sorry that it took me so long time.

i don't love you and you know that.. so why do we have to pretend anything? just one bitter rainy wet night, when you gotta get a shower right afterwards and still feel him, feel it, it it.

i'm going wherever you will go.