A tak se učíme nejen fyziku, ale i žít sami se sebou.
Být šťastní bez ohledu na realitu okolo.
Protože s každým dalším probuzením je to horší a horší a přicházíme i o ty malé iluze, kterým jsme dosud věřili.
Odhodlání dosahovat nedosažitelného je definitivně pryč.
Není tu nikdo, kdo by chápal, a ani už nevěříme, že by lidé byli stvořeni k vzájemnému pochopení.
Pořád nedobrovolně padáme níž a níž, s krátkými přestávkami, kdy nám někdo půjčil křídla.
Jenže nikdo tu není spokojený, protože nemáme co doopravdy chceme.
Jsme spolu, protože to ani jeden z nás nemůžeme mít.
A je lepší být nešťastní dohromady, než nešťastní sami.
Ale co takhle společně šťastní?
Anebo šťastní právě můžeme být i každý zvlášť?
Protože nešťastní jsme ze světa, ale šťastní bez něj?

Kam se nám ztratilo odhodlání dosahovat nedosažitelného?

Funguje to na světě opravdu tak, že čím starší jsme, tím méně máme ideálů?

Je za tím to, čemu většina lidí říká "životní zkušenost"?

Když se nám jedenkrát něco nepodaří, proč to nezkoušíme znovu?

Proč si děti myslí, že je všechno SPLNITELNÉ?

A není to náhodou pravda?

Protože s přibývajícími zkušenostmi se světem nám ubývá nadšení pro cokoliv?

Jak je možné, že ještě před pár lety jsme naplno a naivně investovali svou energii, když to bylo v porovnání s výsledky sice k smíchu, ale přece jenom to mělo smysl? Už jen pro tu víru a odhodlání.

A jakto, že teď už nás nic nepřinutí ani vstát ráno z postele?

Když nevíme PRO CO.

A taky PRO KOHO.

Protože jedna "zkušenost" nám napovídá, že obětovat pro jednoho všechno bolí, už nikdy se o to nebudeme pokoušet znovu. A už nikdy nebudeme schopní pro nikoho žít, pro nikoho nic obětovat a pak je to jako sedět v divadle a čekat, jak vás tam dnes pobaví a rozpláčou. Nic nebereme vážně a nikdo už se nás doopravdy nedotkne.

Protože jiná "zkušenost" říká, že nadšení pro Životní Sen je na nic, když se vždycky najde Strach, který vás zastaví, už se do ničeho nebudeme pouštět - místo toho se jen tak koukat z okna vlaku a ukusovat při tom housku se salámem.

Ale co takhle olíznout okenní tabulku jen proto, abyste zjistili, jak vlastně chutná?

Anybody to offer theirs?

Looking for five fingers, a palm and a back of hand.



I spent over a week 'at home' in Ch., which was pretty discouraging. I should have study, which I really did sometimes, but the more I sat over all those books, the more I thought about whether I actually do what I want.

Maybe it was caused by a lack of my classmates, or by my friends I hadn't seen for a so long time in Prague and who are planning on studying SOAS, travelling to Pakistan and so on.

And there's no courage left to take a step back or forward, I'm somehow forced to stay here, in Prague, at the dorm, in my bed.

The game of life is hard to play

and we're gonna loose it anyway.



So what have we gained and lost and what we have left?

My common bad mood. Scratches almost healed. Fuck, why happiness lasts seconds while THIS can endure for days and days? It almost seems that we're all born miserable and unhappy and just SOMETIMES we can get out of it, if we are lucky enough.

This's not 'jumping off' 'cause of random event, someone, something. This's 'jumping off' 'cause of NOTHING, nothing, nothing, no reason to live it till the end. Where's the answer to the big WHY? Isn't it somethin like 'Hahah, you are fucked now, aren't you?'??
Give me a reason to wake up tomorrow, please.

Neatly depressed.

You know what? There's nothing to look forward to.

And it's raining in Amsterdam.

A Senta lezi dole ve Flying Pig
a posloucha Beatles
a pije osme kafe
(bez cukru - ten dosel u pateho)
a stridave hledi do prazdna
a na vsechny ty lidi kolem
(vsimli jste si, ze v Amst vsichni stale nosi cepice?)
a na imaginarni televizni krb
a do ucebnice histologie na diferenciaci krevnich elementu
a z okna na svitici dest a padajici slunce
ktere na holandskem nebi existuji klidne vedle sebe
a nikdo uz se tomu nedivi.

Surviving.

Living on caffeine. Too much of it, I should say, when I see shaking hands and fast fast fast heart-beating.

Or is it caused by something else?

All of a sudden... where are we? Two months ago, we were sitting in a cafe, drinking wine, and none of us could have ever imagined what it's gonna be like to be away and not to see each other for two weeks. The time's passed and when we find a bit of free time to call, let's face it, it's not like it used to be. I don't know if it's temporary or not (the latter more probable, though), but what's sure it's that we are more like strangers now.

What should I tell you? Early morning stories filled with songs you couldn't appreciate, the tower which is not possible to simply photograph and send to look.. you are not here for me at 2am when I need to talk girl's stuff about guys and I'm not there for you.. and that flavour which you cannot smell but I wake up every day surrounded by it and it has somehow become a part of myself.

And I know you know and I know it's the same with ya. And is it actually wrong?

Sometimes it's like those eight years weren't really true. Where am I.

Shora.

Pod žižkovskou věží,
dětská hlava leží.

Popláče si, nepopláče - a mě je to k smíchu.
Usměje se, neusměje - zlomenou má míchu.

-----------------------------------------------

All the lonely people.

• at one not particularly special moment, I realised that all things happening are just meant to happen whatever I think, do, believe, try or want
• it implies that the meaning of life is just to live it
• to live it means to feel it, to walk through the city and do not know where
• there are no depressing situations, they are all simply interesting
• and we are all just bunch of proteins - suprisingly successfully breathing, crying and singing
• but all above does not mean that my several million cells does not still love yours

Intensely.

Like two weeks ago, in my usual moment of weakness and depression (lol), I texted him - I mean my little Chechen sweetie. I asked him out. He answered almost immediately. Then he hurted his arm in a kind of 'pub fight' with some dumb Russians or what and had to stay home for a while.
We met yesterday, after almost two years. We sat in a very decent bar near our dorm, he drank whisky and I had something like 5 glasses of wine (not as decent as one would have expected for the price it cost but whatever).
I also got to know some very important details about his life, for example his name (yeah, two damned years and he wasn't really able to tell me the real one) or the fact that his daddy and both brothers are doctors - after a few hours talking about me studying medicine.
Then we apparently got drunk, at least me, surely. We started to talk about relationships, fucking and one-night-girlfriends. I took him to the dorm, 4th floor, view of THE TOWER, ohh so romantic. We kissed there for a while, I listened to some compliments about my ass and stuff, he admitted he would fuck me right there and he asked me to stop otherwise he would have really done it.
I went out with him, he pointed out that I should certainly sometimes call him and when I was going back to my room, no matter the alcohol, I was laughing so hard cuz this world is totally crazy.