F.F.B. - feeling fucking bad

This time without any reason. And without tears and nails - but like this, I'm afraid, it's even worse.

Undescribable.

Many things are different since I returned back home.
I'm already used to seeing my best friend with her boyfriend, listening to her praises about him and the fact there's one person less to criticize boys with. Oh my, I just still cannot manage the thought of finding a man of my dreams in the same town I'm from, going out together every day and all matters connected with this. But for everybody, what they deserve, hahah.
We haven't had a bigger argument with my mom yet. Only when I announced I'm flying back to Holland in three months, she was a bit upset, but it all turned to a discussion about money and school as usually and I finally gathered the courage to ask her, why she always says I did it wrong and that I also wanna hear something encouraging from her sometimes. There was quiet for the rest of the evening.
Every night, I've had dreams about Cas - mostly about things which happend when we saw each other, just with a slightly different endings, lol. Also, when I told one of my friends about past events which she hadn't heard of yet, such as kissing or highly romantic things with flower or valentine card, we both regretted so much that we've never encountered such guys in cz (even she, half-engaged, admitted that:P). And that's why we gonna go to Amsterdam (and not Venice as somebody dumb suggested) and booked places at hostel with queen-size beds, haha. The bad thing is that there're also dreams about Au every night, but they are so nice and comforting that I don't care anymore and see it as a kind of God's sign> thumbs up!
I had a brief conversation with my old friend yesterday, Chechen sweetie, and when I told him I'm gonna live in Prague from the next month on, he said he'd like to see me (and didn't forget to point out that it could end up with bad consequences, hahah).
So after all, I'm doing well.

There's no need to describe last week's events in a great detail. I only see the difference between me going there and me going back and I'm thinking that they were one of those days in my life which have changed many things.
I don't know how long it will last, but I'm currently happy. It's not 'cause I was in another country or 'cause I've seen so many interesting places, it's just due to love I got and which I had desperately longed for before I left. At the moment I stepped in the car in Brussels, everything bad had simply disappeared and had been forgotten.
And what do I remember?
When the car radio was playing Blof, REM, RHCP, U2, Stones and Genesis so loudly that people in Rotterdam certainly heard that, and I closed my eyes and breathed out deeply.
When we were talking with Ingrid about the times when boys were young or how difficult it sometimes is with men (and we laughed so hard at the fact how similar is her husband to my daddy).
When Arthur did his best with his English and asked me if we had sea, swimming pools, computers and Mr. Bean in Czech. And when he kissed me for good night every evening.
When I was at the very top of the roller coaster, upside down, on the verge of shouting, when there's no space left in your mind for anything else than a pleasure from the ride.
When I woke up at half past 11 in the morning, went downstairs and there were boys sitting in the living room, watching tv and having breakfast in their nightsuits.
At one roller coaster, when he said that I could hold his hand if I was scared.
When I got wet in a storm and was cold and he held me around my shoulders to warm me up.
When I sat in a front seat of his car with fluffy shoes he bought me and covered with his sweatshirt, listening to dutch music and feeling the warmth of the car heating. Slowly falling asleep. Having no dreams anymore - everything I've dreamt of was sitting next to me at that moment.

Today, early in the morning, I couldn't sleep. Are certain things really impossible?
I had a dream about being in a big vibrant shining city (I'd say it was something like Shanghai or Tokio but I've never been there to judge), walking through endless labyrinth of streets and lanes until my legs started to hurt, smelling frying chips and perfumes of girls passing by in the night-time, feeling somebody's arm around my hips but not being able to turn my head right to see him, just knowing who he is without having to look. You know that feeling after you were crying for a long long time and then you suddenly stopped, somebody wiped your eyes and held you until everything was okay, at that time everything seems so bright and clear but you can still notice that heavy thing down in your stomach? But anyway, there's perfectly still and quiet on our night trip, neither me nor the guy have to say anything, 'cause we somehow know what the other person thinks.
Was that really a dream, that ideal faultless night? Wish I could be dreaming now to know that before, it was real. Come and have a look how it is in heaven.

Fancy all those changes. And a taste of sincerity.

On Saturday, the English Camp ended, and on Sunday, we went to Prague with all Americans and a few Czechs (Sam, who we agreed with to go to one international church in Prague when school years starts - cool to know some Christians in that big city. Kamil, who decided to spend his life with Jesus in it, when he was at camp - encouraging, isn't it, to see such a handsome and smart guy to do that!)
In the evening, we went to a totally touristic boat trip on Vltava river with Americans, it was so cool though. We sat up the boat while the sun was going down, singing praises... and then praying for each other. It ended up in everybody crying and hugging each other, so it seemed somebody was drawn in the water during the cruise, haha.
Afterwards, me and K. hurried up to meet our old friend, who kinda insisted to see us that night. We went to a pub, but of course, we were in such mood that we ordered just a coffee, so it shocked him, 'cause he expected a few shots of vodka and going to his flat, as it happened last time at his home. Poor boy. He fed us with his stories about his work for Czech ministry of foreign affairs, official trips to Brussels, meetings with Congolese ambassadors, etc. He called me an idiot (literally) when he got to know why I'm not gonna study in London at his school next year: 'Oh, can you imagine we would be there together, what fun it would be?' he said. It almost seemed he's sorry for that, oh my! But one cannot deny he has got much more handsome (okay, I admit it's those ten kgs he's apparently put on) since we last saw him a year ago. Shame that K. was in hurry to be at time in the hotel, I'd have stayed there a little longer. Now I'm seriously considering the possibility of meeting him in Prague next week, but who knows, maybe it's not something I SHOULD do - 'cause everybody knows of my weakness for him:)
A day after, I was fired and didn't pass my driving tests. Well, to tell the truth, it didn't please me at all - my mum was right when she said I'm just not used to fail in something despite doing my best about it. In fact, I don't remember much of the way back home and following few hours, just recall waking up not crying but with bloody scratches on my hands, which kinda shocked me, 'cause I usually don't think about myself as a desperate EMO teen with suicide tendencies, hahaha.
And yesterday, we spent a night at my friends house, tasting coctails which she'd learnt to prepare at one course, listening to latest news about her new boyfriend, and discussing boys in general (hummm, maybe just some specific things about them, lol). Easily falling asleep. One check on my cell phone in the morning was sufficient for today: 'Oh shit. Look.' and I passed it to girls laying next to me.
Sometimes, I'd like to have enough courage to do was she recommended: to either delete the number or to answer that I'm already in a wonderful relationship with whoever. Of course I'm not, even though I could.
Everything I do, I put my every effort in. When I love somebody, it means every single thing in the world for me - I start to forget other friends, family, school.. I'd go to the world's end for those people. Oh, fuck. And when the great love is away, I basically feel that I gotta go away too, somewhere far far away from it. Fortunately, it will be true in a few days, sitting in plane which is taking off, eyed closed, leaving all problems behind - to find them on the same place while going back.
Is it just more difficult for me to be happy than for others or what?

Sincerity.

Certain things should have never been done, but when there's nobody to regret, there's nobody to judge.
What I need is to be sure I'm as happy as it's possible.
But am I now.
No courage to write a question mark there.
What about being six again.
What about neverending vacation.
What about jumping off.
And suppose I would have done it that if you hadn't held me.
Fortunately, no serious suicide attempts recently.
But do I hope for anything else?
Hope for somebody who'd care about my life at least as much as I do about yours.
Just let me watch.

re: picture parade

why doesn't it go on...

it's been at least ages...

someobody would surely understand...

oh my gosh, don't do this to me after three damned glasses of wine.

Vanity.

Based on a fiction story, of course.

Her cell phone started to ring in the middle of the night - it could be some time after 0200. She didn't know he'd been up to call her, so at the first moment, she was a lil' bit confused. She was staring at the number, desperately trying to realize who's that. Eventually she gave up and answered the call.
'Yup?' the attempt not to sound sleepy wasn't successful.
But it was the voice she'd dreamt of. Comfortably low, slowly articulating, well-spoken.
Two hours later, headphones were still in her ears, she was lying by the side, eyes closed, just concentrating on the person she was speaking to. Awakened like at noon.
Two days later, eyes closed, focusing her attention on the noise of cars driving outside, she was lying by him. But not the one who called her. And she wondered if she wasn't simply dreaming and it would be an elegant explanation why everything seemed so perfect that night.
She could get up and he didn't notice, 'cause he's been sleeping for a few hours already. Maybe he didn't feel any need to ask her why she's so sad. Maybe 'cause boys usually don't care.
Go and look out of the window, now. The cold wind blowing, no stars in the sky. But it's still not raining.

And suddenly there's no reason to stay there, to see him yet in the morning.

Drunk me II.

'I've Never Had It Done So Gently Before'
For M
The sweet juices of your mouth
are like castles bathed in honey.
I've never had it done so gently before.
You have put a circle of castles
around my penis and you swirl them
like sunlight on the wings of birds.
-rb-

.---/..-/.../-//.--/.-/-./-./.-//........................./-/..../../...//-.--/---/..-//-.-/-./---/.--//..........

One more tequila please.

Walkin' on sunshine.

I wonder if it's possible at all to be completely content and happy.
I did think it is.
I thought I'm just kinda loser that I'm not perfect.
That does not mean anything like crying over it, but when I see romantic movies with all those silly happy endings (esp recently seen like tons of them), I just gotta ask myself WHY ME, WHY THEM?
I've simply created an image of an ideal relationship/marriage/whatever, and I'm not able to get over it.
I basically have to admit that never ever I'm gonna find someone like from the movies, no matter how much I wish so.

But still, I wish to be invited for a dinner by someone so charming and decent as Hannibal. I don't care if he was over 40.
I wish to have a husband so devoted, unselfish, romantic and creative as Guido. To be sometimes awakened by 'buongiorno principessa!'.
I wish once to spend night with Tyler.
And most of all, I'd like to meet Nino.
I'd like to find the love of my life.. to do all those crazy things with.
To have a date without saying a word. Kiss on the cheek, kiss on the forehead, kiss on the neck. Slowly, quietly.
To sit on a river bank, legs in the water, seriously discussing those silly things we did when we were five.
To walk hand in hand through the city, eating ice-cream and commenting on people passing by.
To sit in the square on the ground, chatting and enjoying weird looks of others.
To have a date at midnight.
To get a flower.
To bring somebody breakfast to bed.
To travel by tram 9 from the first stop to the last and back.
To have a date at sunrise.
To write messages to each other backwards.
To have a picture with tongues out together.
To say yes and next day travel to a tiny little island in Mediterranean in November.
To buy T-shirts of the same color.
To go swimming when it's cold and raining.
To feel like being special for somebody.