Lost in reality. Virtually.

i would hardly ever belive this is gonna happen again.

sleeping tight
mind flying somewhere above the body all day
smiling
irresistible urge to start singing in the tram in the morning
thinking of
and there's no way how to push myself to study anatomy

you know there's nothing more i wanna in life than to lie in the grass, look up into the sky and feel you're next to me.
i'm happy & content again, after so long.. it's the combination of him finally leaving and you stepping in my reality for one more time. probably God's way how to show me what kind of people should i look for :)
anyway, i don't really know what are your thoughts about all this.
maybe it'll end up in the same way like the last time. maybe you're not concerned about me at all.
but you can't deny there's something between us and it doesn't have anything in common with physical stuff, does it? that's why i was so careful 'bout that night and probably behaving weirdly.. cause i didn't want to ruin it by doing anything inappropriate.
he made me to think about leaving --- and you make me to think about staying with ya 4ever [however silly it sounds] and it's a notable difference, isn't it?

You, you and you again.

Vcera vecer jsem mel 'social event', na ktery jsem se docela tesil, v EXIT Chmelnice - delegatsky vecirek te konference. nakonec nevim, jestli to mam povazovat za fiasko nebo ne ... zacatek byl v 19:00, ale nebylo mi vubec dobre, zase na me dorazila strasna ryma (4 balicky kapesniku za den ), byl sem ospalej atd, takze jsem vyrazil asi az 21:30 a na miste byl 22:00. kdyz jsem tam dorazil, akce v plnem proudu, ja dost nechapavej, oblblej ospalosti a nachlazenim, si koupil kolu a nechapave ziral na lidi, co se bavi...

horsi bylo, ze me na ty konferenci dost zaujala jedna holka, se kterou by byl super LTR - sice vzhledove zas tak hezka neni, ale pro me proste HB10, ani nevim proc... je ale z chotebore, coz je maly mesto ve vychodnich cechach. kazdopadne jsme ji a jeji kamosku v nedeli pri obede s kamosem pul hodiny imho dost solidne bavili, pak jsem ji jeste parkrat potkal, zdalo se mi ze hazi dost IOI, attraction byla diky tomu obedu urcite:)

takze jsem jel na tu party s vidinou toho, ze s ni minimalne jeste budu dlouho mluvit a treba nejaky mc - jenze kdyz jsem tam prisel, tak byla jedna z prvnich, koho sem videl, a mazlila se s nejakym klukem... coz me naprosto rozcililo a zhnusilo (do ni bych to fakt nerekl a pochybuju, ze ten kluk je jeji BF a jestli ano, tak je to desna lemra...) nevsimal sem si ji, jen to zamavalo s mym statem, ktery byl diky me unavenosti a nemoci stejne nulovy, takze jsem dopil kolu a zmizel s tim, ze uz pujdu domu...

...nakonec jsem se prosel po cistem vzduchu, sedl si na lavicku a tak pul hodiny premyslel; vratil se zpatky a one-itis byla fuc, jasne, ze na ni brzo zapomenu. Pomalu se zlepsovala moje nalada, ikdyz jsem poradne nevedel, o cem se bavit...
Par approachu takovejch, ze sem je sam skoncil, sedl si a vychutnaval atmosferu. pak si ke mne sedla jedna hb9 a bavila se se mnou; vim, ze z my strany to bylo dost nic moc, ale docela se zlepsoval muj state; sli jsme nasledne s lidma z naseho vyboru ven, kolovala tam nakej jim beam nebo co; mel sem jen par loku, kazdopadne jsem se pak uz super rozjel, state na 100%, zadny problemy approachovat; taky jsem tam vlastne poprvy co jsem na VS kecal trochu vic s par spoluzakama a doslo mi, ze sargovat ve skole neni problem a asi brzo zacnu:)

Going further.

one sunny afternoon, i was walking home and in a few minutes (which is what it takes me to walk from tram stop to my dorm), i realised how easy it actually is to become happy and content. i'd had it in front of my own eyes all the time and i just hadn't seen that THAT'S IT - to do a job i wanna (it means to study it, first) and be with a man of my dreams (or whatever you call it).

and the rest? unbelievably easy - just DO IT.

step one> school

two days ago, i started to discuss medicine school and stuff with my mom... not intentionally as i had planned, so i hadn't had any reasons prepared, but it just went on and on. until i started crying, of course.
as it was all improvisation, i was founding my reasons during the argument itself. i was surprised what they really were: i need a free time to do what i want. which implies that medicine is not what i want.

what i did not tell my mom was that i got to disappear and leave everything behind. a year ago, i wasn't sure if it is soas or medicine. i tried the latter to get to know it is the former. easy, isn't it?

there was one person's leaving, which helped me to admit that i cannot stay here - so i sincerely thank him.

the rule we talked about also applies here - all bad things in life exist because after all, they take you further and make you happier.
i haven't forgot a single thing you told me, i just don't follow your advice sometimes. but all of that stays in my mind and pops out when needed. thank you for taking care of me...

the point is that now, i'm convinced. my mom is persuaded. and my daddy excited. and when i think about it, i'm so looking forward.

step two> the ONE

every time i see pictures of Matt with his bride-to-be Leanne or I hear from Danae, happy future mom.. i know that i want all or nothing. i want love like that or nobody at all. to have God as the most important one in the relationship. not having to worry about him leaving me, to ever have doubts about our love, to excuse myself for loving too much and so on. every other 'love' is ridiculous. pointless.

step three> faith

maybe he steps in everytime i get too far away from him. fortunately.

you know what? of course i've already forgiven you. and probably a long time ago. there was a moment in time, when i stopped disliking you for what you'd done, but problems which were caused by it.. they didn't cease to exist, you know? and they are still here, somehow. they have nothing in common with you anymore. it's true.. it MUST HAVE HAPPENED, because you weren't the right to be loved.
although until now, nothing has beaten those feelings.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.
Luke 9:24

okay, i can't keep it anymore longer.... circumstances force me to think about it all the time.

when i get up in the morning and read who else he calls hon... (and i'm not jealous, i'm just disappointed...)
when i listen to my roommates silly talks with her husband... (i'm not mad, just annoyed...)
when i'm in a tram in the morning, on the verge of crying 'cause of nothing... (i'm not hysterical, just immature...)
when i gotta learn damned ten layers of retina and when, despite all that effort, i'm still marked C at the test... (i don't wanna be genius, just successful sometimes...)
when i come home from school and all i'm supposed to do is sit down and study... (i'm not lazy, just aimless...)
when i walk through the city at the sunset and remember the time a year ago... (i'm not in love anymore, just sad about everything what happened...)

...

i think about leaving all the time.

it's always like that in spring. willing to take off, far far away. not to tell anyone. just get up one morning, look out of the window and leave. never ever talk to old friends again. start somewhere else. disappear. leave school in june. work all summer. apply to soas, leeds, whatever. go for it, please, please, please.

there's nothing i desire more than to pluck up courage for this.