Going further.

one sunny afternoon, i was walking home and in a few minutes (which is what it takes me to walk from tram stop to my dorm), i realised how easy it actually is to become happy and content. i'd had it in front of my own eyes all the time and i just hadn't seen that THAT'S IT - to do a job i wanna (it means to study it, first) and be with a man of my dreams (or whatever you call it).

and the rest? unbelievably easy - just DO IT.

step one> school

two days ago, i started to discuss medicine school and stuff with my mom... not intentionally as i had planned, so i hadn't had any reasons prepared, but it just went on and on. until i started crying, of course.
as it was all improvisation, i was founding my reasons during the argument itself. i was surprised what they really were: i need a free time to do what i want. which implies that medicine is not what i want.

what i did not tell my mom was that i got to disappear and leave everything behind. a year ago, i wasn't sure if it is soas or medicine. i tried the latter to get to know it is the former. easy, isn't it?

there was one person's leaving, which helped me to admit that i cannot stay here - so i sincerely thank him.

the rule we talked about also applies here - all bad things in life exist because after all, they take you further and make you happier.
i haven't forgot a single thing you told me, i just don't follow your advice sometimes. but all of that stays in my mind and pops out when needed. thank you for taking care of me...

the point is that now, i'm convinced. my mom is persuaded. and my daddy excited. and when i think about it, i'm so looking forward.

step two> the ONE

every time i see pictures of Matt with his bride-to-be Leanne or I hear from Danae, happy future mom.. i know that i want all or nothing. i want love like that or nobody at all. to have God as the most important one in the relationship. not having to worry about him leaving me, to ever have doubts about our love, to excuse myself for loving too much and so on. every other 'love' is ridiculous. pointless.

step three> faith

maybe he steps in everytime i get too far away from him. fortunately.

you know what? of course i've already forgiven you. and probably a long time ago. there was a moment in time, when i stopped disliking you for what you'd done, but problems which were caused by it.. they didn't cease to exist, you know? and they are still here, somehow. they have nothing in common with you anymore. it's true.. it MUST HAVE HAPPENED, because you weren't the right to be loved.
although until now, nothing has beaten those feelings.