F.F.B. - feeling fucking bad

This time without any reason. And without tears and nails - but like this, I'm afraid, it's even worse.

Undescribable.

Many things are different since I returned back home.
I'm already used to seeing my best friend with her boyfriend, listening to her praises about him and the fact there's one person less to criticize boys with. Oh my, I just still cannot manage the thought of finding a man of my dreams in the same town I'm from, going out together every day and all matters connected with this. But for everybody, what they deserve, hahah.
We haven't had a bigger argument with my mom yet. Only when I announced I'm flying back to Holland in three months, she was a bit upset, but it all turned to a discussion about money and school as usually and I finally gathered the courage to ask her, why she always says I did it wrong and that I also wanna hear something encouraging from her sometimes. There was quiet for the rest of the evening.
Every night, I've had dreams about Cas - mostly about things which happend when we saw each other, just with a slightly different endings, lol. Also, when I told one of my friends about past events which she hadn't heard of yet, such as kissing or highly romantic things with flower or valentine card, we both regretted so much that we've never encountered such guys in cz (even she, half-engaged, admitted that:P). And that's why we gonna go to Amsterdam (and not Venice as somebody dumb suggested) and booked places at hostel with queen-size beds, haha. The bad thing is that there're also dreams about Au every night, but they are so nice and comforting that I don't care anymore and see it as a kind of God's sign> thumbs up!
I had a brief conversation with my old friend yesterday, Chechen sweetie, and when I told him I'm gonna live in Prague from the next month on, he said he'd like to see me (and didn't forget to point out that it could end up with bad consequences, hahah).
So after all, I'm doing well.

There's no need to describe last week's events in a great detail. I only see the difference between me going there and me going back and I'm thinking that they were one of those days in my life which have changed many things.
I don't know how long it will last, but I'm currently happy. It's not 'cause I was in another country or 'cause I've seen so many interesting places, it's just due to love I got and which I had desperately longed for before I left. At the moment I stepped in the car in Brussels, everything bad had simply disappeared and had been forgotten.
And what do I remember?
When the car radio was playing Blof, REM, RHCP, U2, Stones and Genesis so loudly that people in Rotterdam certainly heard that, and I closed my eyes and breathed out deeply.
When we were talking with Ingrid about the times when boys were young or how difficult it sometimes is with men (and we laughed so hard at the fact how similar is her husband to my daddy).
When Arthur did his best with his English and asked me if we had sea, swimming pools, computers and Mr. Bean in Czech. And when he kissed me for good night every evening.
When I was at the very top of the roller coaster, upside down, on the verge of shouting, when there's no space left in your mind for anything else than a pleasure from the ride.
When I woke up at half past 11 in the morning, went downstairs and there were boys sitting in the living room, watching tv and having breakfast in their nightsuits.
At one roller coaster, when he said that I could hold his hand if I was scared.
When I got wet in a storm and was cold and he held me around my shoulders to warm me up.
When I sat in a front seat of his car with fluffy shoes he bought me and covered with his sweatshirt, listening to dutch music and feeling the warmth of the car heating. Slowly falling asleep. Having no dreams anymore - everything I've dreamt of was sitting next to me at that moment.

Today, early in the morning, I couldn't sleep. Are certain things really impossible?
I had a dream about being in a big vibrant shining city (I'd say it was something like Shanghai or Tokio but I've never been there to judge), walking through endless labyrinth of streets and lanes until my legs started to hurt, smelling frying chips and perfumes of girls passing by in the night-time, feeling somebody's arm around my hips but not being able to turn my head right to see him, just knowing who he is without having to look. You know that feeling after you were crying for a long long time and then you suddenly stopped, somebody wiped your eyes and held you until everything was okay, at that time everything seems so bright and clear but you can still notice that heavy thing down in your stomach? But anyway, there's perfectly still and quiet on our night trip, neither me nor the guy have to say anything, 'cause we somehow know what the other person thinks.
Was that really a dream, that ideal faultless night? Wish I could be dreaming now to know that before, it was real. Come and have a look how it is in heaven.