''To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.''
Hey.
I realized what's the problem after all.
On a website of some crazy psychosomatic health clinic, I found an article about causes of Crohn's disease. And it says that it's just a sublimation of people's suppressed aggression.
Seems funny, but there's probably something to that in my case - it's always been my mind's problem more than anything else - I still remember being sick after being really stressed 'cause someone didn't answer my PM and stuff. But surprisingly, I was ok the whole year I went out with L.t.A., despite of all the drinking and smoking, both of which should supposedly worsen the symptoms. And I was diagnosed at the time, which could be described as the most peaceful and comfortable time in my life. But it really was not.
I'm in fact fed up with behaving nice. Do all homework more than on time, rather a month earlier. Be able to manage to go to school, to work, to be someone's almost-a-wife, to be someone's psychotherapist, to have enough sleep, not to drink, not to dance, not to date. I realized I actually stopped listening to music for a year. But I'm not as grown up as everyone thinks. I don't want to be.
I love my school, but I don't want to spend every afternoon making useless money just so I can travel for one stupid month out of 12. I want to live alone for a change. The change I wanted to make long ago and why I moved away from L.t.A. And instead, being actually AFRAID of taking the step again, I'll have been living with someone for fifth year of my life soon.
So the suppressed aggression is probably about me wanting to kick asses of everyone around and leave for good. Become an awfully rich Wall Street banker, who gets whisky-drunk every evening in a fancy bar and can afford to buy drinks to every rich-groom-seeking blonde there, fuck her and never see her again (you actually got to be a guy to do that :P). Be a singer in a famous band, be up only in the evenings and at nights and party until every fucking morning. Be an actor. Rock-climber. Extreme triathlon swimmer/biker/runner. Whatever. Be alone. I really don't need someone to be by my side all the time. I want to MEET the people. Talk to them, kiss them and not to go home with them. I want to sleep in my bed alone, except for a few hours from time to time, when I don't.
Just let me be. Let me be me.
And I finally can appreciate things you used to tell me.
